feb 12 2001

being alive feels so good!

the potted jade plant i put upstairs by the window has started growing towards the direction of the sunlight. i'm made of guts too! that's really neat. somehow there is blood flowing inside me and it goes to all these places. how does it all know how to work? life is amazing to me today.

you know what feels really good? taking three really really deep breaths, exhaling completely, and then pounding on your chest a lot.

i'm running around the house, cleaning, listening to tech house really loud. there's so much i want to do. in december at the end of last year, i put together a long list of everything i want to accomplish for 2001. i sat down and wrote as much as i could about each idea until i couldn't think of the next phrase to write. the blanks will fill themselves in, i feel pretty okay with that.

the other list i made was a list of names. everyone who is important to me, followed by a list of their best qualities, how i expect each person to be a part of my future, how i expect to be a part of theirs.

i decided that the jade plant is a metaphor for the last three months. despite the fact that i'm terrible with plants, i want to have them anyway. i'm determined to successfully grow a spider plant. the spider plant will hang all over everything, and the cat will try to do bad things. i will have to rescue the plant often because she never listens to me. i'm looking forward to this!

i was sitting on a milk crate on the sidewalk in front of harvest market. after i finished eating my barley and mushroom soup, i visited the plant store on market and noe.

i looked noticeably lost and confused. the nice plant store girl asked me, are you looking for anything in particular?

my first impulse was to pretend that i knew everything about plants. so i constructed a response that was vague, yet confident. i mean, if you were in her shoes, would you sell hapless houseplants to a serial plant killer such as myself? i needed to convince her i was safe.

so i gathered every bit of chutzpah, pushed my chest forward, looked her straight in the eye (because eye contact makes you more believable), and just as i felt the words "oh i'm looking for something in the ficus family, i suppose" form on my lips, i balked. cut short.

i sank, shrank, and retreated into a slumped slouch. "sigh. i don't know anything about plants! i kill everything. i under water them, i over water them, not enough light. i mean..i mean. soil! explain that. it's just dirt! i put the plants in dirt and they still die! i don't know what to do anymore!"

i think in reality, i was actually more suave than that. but i felt my inner woody allen pacing around and ranting a furious monologue.

fortunately, the nice plant store girl was sweet and patient. she slowly walked me around the store, pointing at different plants: "oh that one is hard to kill. and that one, you can ignore it for a week and it'll be fine." she repotted my choices with fresh soil, and sent me on my way.


a spider plant (currently in the sink, under repair)
an ivy plant of some sort (doing just fine, thank you)
a jade plant (see above)


i don't want to be a dj. is that okay?

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